Broken Dams
by Allie351
Summary: Why can't Brian allow himself to love like everyone else? Does he really like being alone? Read on to find out


**Broken Dams**

Summary: Everyone wonders why Brian only cares for himself or why he doesn't fall in love. You wouldn't either if you had the life he had. B/J fic, reflecting on Brian's relationship with Justin.

His life had changed forever that night outside of Babylon. It was then he'd met the blonde-haired boy that had worked his way into Brian's life, no matter how much he tried to push him away. What was it about Justin that could tame even the wildest man? He was Brian Kinney, he didn't believe in love, only casual fucks, no commitments, that was the way he liked it. But something had changed.

Maybe it was the day Justin got bashed that had changed him, made him realize his true feelings; he was falling in love. No, the only person Brian Kinney loved was himself - well, and Michael Novotny but that was another complicated story. Michael was the only person he allowed himself to care about, the only person who knew what Brian was all about.

But then he'd seen Justin outside of Babylon and foolishly allowed himself to think he'd be just another casual fuck, but the boy had had other ideas, much to Brian's dislike.

No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't forget about the boy. Even when he was fucking one of his many one-night stands, his thoughts always wandered back to Justin. Suddenly, just fucking anyone he wanted to sate his needs didn't seem fun anymore. At 34, Brian was starting to wonder if he was ready to settle down.

But commitment wasn't a word in Brian Kinney's vocabulary. He'd not been shown very good examples of love and commitment over the years; after finding out he was gay, his parents and many of his friends had abandoned him - his own father had told him that he should be the one dying and every day his mother told him he was being punished and would go to Hell. Not that it really mattered anyway because his parents had hardly been there for him growing up. Brian had practically raised himself and then the worst blow of all - his sister, whom he'd always been really close to, abandoned him, leaving him with nobody. He'd always been extremely jealous of Michael, who's mother actually flaunted that she had a gay son - maybe it helped that her brother was also gay - but overtime Debbie had come to accept Brian as another son and he'd even lived with them for a short time. But then of course Michael had to go get a life of his own and fall in love and again Brian was feeling abandoned, so abandoned to the point that he tried to fuck up Michael's romance with the doctor so he could have his best friend all to himself. And in the process, he'd almost lost his friendship with Michael until Debbie sat him down and told him he had to cut the rope and let Michael grow up and fall in love on his own. All around him his friends were settling down - even drama queen Emmett, who everyone thought would never find anyone to settle down with, was having his affair with the closeted football player. Michael was now married with a foster son and even Melanie and Lindsay, who had problem after problem over the years, were happy with their two children. That left Brian - well, and Ted Schmidt but Teddy was probably the only person Brian hadn't fucked in his life, not because he didn't want to, but because Ted was even harder to please than Brian was, believe it or not. Even Justin had his family and friends - if he were to leave tomorrow he wouldn't be alone, he had Daphne and his mother and father and his sister Molly who all loved him dearly. Of course Brian would never admit that he wanted Justin to stay, but he couldn't force him and the boy had threatened to move out several times over the past 4 years - all of which Brian had told him to do so.

He sighed as he leaned against the lamppost. People wondered why he didn't open up to people, why he was so reserved and refused to let his fucks be anymore than that - casual fucks to sate his needs and only that. In fact, Brian made sure his 'clients' as Michael often called them, knew that there would be nothing more between them then the sex. Most were okay with it, some, like Justin, insisted on more. It was then that Brian had to shove them out the door and then avoid them the next time he saw them at Babylon and move on to someone else. Now he was starting to sound like Michael's son, Hunter, the former teenage hustler. Was that really all Brian was, was a prostitute? Debbie told him more often than not that he'd sleep with anything that moved, excluding women of course - the only woman he'd ever slept with was Lindsay and that was back in college and it had just reaffirmed their sexuality after that.

Then there was the cancer. Brian had never been more afraid of anything in his life than he was the day he found out he had cancer. He'd been alone then too but that was because he'd pushed everyone away who cared about him, including Michael. He had given up hope, stopped fighting, started figuring that everything his mother had said about him being punished for being gay was right and he was preparing to die. He didn't want his friends or Justin to be worried about him when they had full, healthy lives they could live - why be worried about the sick and dying if you didn't have to be? Looking back on it now, Brian wasn't sure who he had hurt most during that time, Justin or Michael. But it was also during that time that he had really started falling in love with the blue-eyed boy he'd first come to see as an annoying little brother who wouldn't leave his side because it was then that Justin proved he could be loveable. When everyone else had let him push him away, including his supposed best friend, Justin had stayed, coming over every day to make sure he was eating, following doctors orders and he'd never given up on him, even though Brian had wanted him to, for his own protection. Justin was still young, he'd have been able to find someone else to love, someone who was healthy but Mr, Stubborn hadn't wanted that, he wanted the one man that it was impossible to get to love.

Always alone, that was the life of Brian Kinney. And now, just when he had let down his shields and finally allowed himself to really fall in love, Justin was preparing to go to Hollywood to release 'Rage'. He'd be alone once again and he hated the feeling. He'd built up dams for a reason, so nobody could flood them with the many emotions brought on by love and all that other mushy stuff he didn't believe in - except for Justin. From the moment he'd seen the blonde-haired blue-eyed boy outside the club, something had ignited inside of Brian, a passion that he'd never felt with anyone before, not even Michael and the two of them had tried dating for a brief time. Now that those dams were broken and Brian could finally feel emotions again, damnit, he wasn't about to let anyone stand in his way. If he had to, he would tie Justin to the bed and not let him go to Hollywood - then again, Justin was starting to get used to Brian and the way he worked so the kid probably would be prepared for whatever extreme force Brian decided upon, but Brian wasn't about to let him leave, at least not without a damn good reason to come back. Justin had admitted to him that the first time he'd gone to Hollywood he almost hadn't come back, because he wasn't sure if Brian really had loved him enough or not. Brian was about to make damn sure Justin Taylor knew just much he loved him.

Stretching his tall frame as he leaned back against the lamppost, he smiled as he spotted his target up ahead and walking over to him, casually slinging his arm around the man's neck. "I've been waiting for you."

"Oh really?" said the man, smiling as he stood on tip-toe so he could plant a kiss on Brian's lips. "This is certainly a surprise. I didn't think you'd come looking for me."

"I didn't have to look very far, I just remembered back to our first night." he said, smiling as he wrapped his arms tighter around the man. "I just wanted to spend some time with you before you go on to Hollywood, that's all."

Justin raised an eyebrow. "Am I seeing a new side of Brian Kinney?" he asked. "A softer, gentler side, perhaps?"

Brian chuckled huskily. "No," he said. "Absolutely not. You'll never be more than just a casual fuck for me, sunshine."

"A casual fuck that's lasted five years and according to your friends is the only serious commitment you've made in your life."

"Maybe so," he said. "But you're leaving anyway, so what does it matter to you? Once you're gone, I can go back to living my life the way I want to live it and you're free to be with someone who actually loves you."

Justin frowned, the words stinging as he heard them. "What if I don't want to find anyone else?"

Brian raised an eyebrow. "Why wouldn't you?" he asked. "I'm unlovable, after all. I don't believe in love, only fucking to get what I want and I got what I want out of you already."

"Used goods then, am I?" Justin asked softly as he ran a hand through his hair. "Only problem about that is nobody wants used goods these days."

Brian smiled and kissed his cheek. "I do." he said.

Justin frowned. "What the hell are you talking about?" he asked, confused.

"Marry me, Justin. Don't go off to Hollywood thinking you have nothing to come back to. You do have something to come back to; you have me."

Justin wasn't sure how to react and slowly lifted his eyes to meet Brian's. "This isn't like when you asked me to move in, is it?" he asked softly. "Are you really proposing to me this time?"

Brian nodded. "Yeah, I guess I am." he said. "And are you going to give me an answer or leave me hanging like you did when I asked you to move in with me? A guy can only wait so long, Justin."

"Yes," said Justin, smiling happily. "The answer is yes, Brian. I love you."

"I love you too, sunshine." Brian said, wrapping Justin in a hug as the two headed home.

A/N: Now, I haven't seen the entire series yet. When I found out I had LOGO they were just starting the fourth season and I bought the first two on DVD and have been catching up with it that way. I do know however that when Brian proposed to Justin at the end of the series he was turned down but I thought I'd give this tale a happy ending just because I absolutely adore this pairing. This is my first QaF fic, so please read and review and constructive criticism only, please.


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